“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
– Romans 8:38-39
It’s been 385 days since I looked down at two pink lines; I was flooded with joy, hopefulness and a healthy dose of nervousness. My feelings of being completely inadequate as a wife and (now) mother never shone brighter; I am not good on my own. Falling on my knees I prayed that my dependency in Christ would be strengthened and made unshakeable; that I would grow in love, patience, thankfulness, mercy, grace and humility. I prayed that I would let Christ be on display in my own life so that my kids see Him and not me. I prayed that I would grow closer to God – living in constant prayer and meditation on His Word. I prayed that I would extend forgiveness and patience to Chris as we stumble through parenthood and he fails to live up to the unrealistic expectations I force upon him. I prayed that I would remain a good friend and encourage my children to cherish and nurture good friendships as they grow. I prayed. I prayed. I prayed.
It has now been 109 days since I looked down at my brand new, sweet baby boy – 109 days of sleeplessness, very few showers, a constant demand for my attention, rushed meals eaten with one hand, learning to successfully nurse, and so many firsts. Samuel is calm, cool and collected; he smiles often and laughs hard; he loves the view from above while standing with a helping hand; he is testing his vocal cords and you can almost always tell exactly where in the house he is by his sweet sounds. He makes being “mom” easy … but I often make excuses for my failure to spend time in His Word. God saw this coming, He knew I would allow myself to be lazy and choose Netflix over Him. He knew that I would read every website about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. instead of trusting that He is sovereign over all and that He is the protector of my heart, of my marriage, and of my son. He knew the inward battle I would face, as my mother’s love for Samuel would unintentionally place him as number one in my heart; I know better. He knew all of this yet chose to surpass the mercy and grace He already extended me in saving me from myself and from death. He allowed me the opportunity to experience the joys and discomforts of pregnancy, just the way Mary did as she carried His only child, Jesus. He blessed me with a healthy labor and delivery so that I may gaze upon my sweet son as he entered this world, created perfectly. He is my greatest blessing, one I absolutely don’t deserve.
No book or blog I read, story I was told or warning I was given could prepare me for the overwhelming love that is being a wife and mother. It is a love that protects, provides for, cares for, forgives, encourages and disciplines. It is also a love that is countered with such fear – fear of anything infringing on this sacred ground it has established. As I look down at my son today, sleeping so peacefully in my arms, I feel disabled by this love. This feeling I have is only a sampling, a tiny portion, of the unending and unconditional love that my Creator has for me. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39) How incredible that our Creator and Redeemer would give us the opportunity to experience love at the greatest extent to which we, broken humans, can possibly handle? How amazing that He did not hold back and force us to wait for heaven in order to taste the love that He has covered us in? And how unbelievable that He would give us this opportunity to love a child knowing the battle we will face as our priorities shift and we struggle to keep Him as Lord of all? We have been covered in mercy, grace and love. Now I pray for the focus and drive to dive deep and let the Holy Spirit work in me so that I may distribute the mercy, grace and love I’ve been blessed with to my son, husband, friends and family. God is so good.